Friday, June 21, 2013

Insights on One's Self

A little while ago, I was asked to try to describe myself as best as possible...and so I did. In re-reading my copy of it just now, with a similar recent question, it seemed rather fascinating -- and certainly insightful.

At least to me... [ahem]

So. Here is my best as possible description of myself (with just a few tiny edits from the original).

... If you had to describe yourself as best as possible, what would you say?

***

I always used to joke that Meredith Brooks' one hit could be my anthem. (*See below.) I don't wear make up because I never learned how - tho friends have gotten on my case about it and are trying to teach me how to use it. I don't think it's because I need it necessarily - I think it's because people just consider it "appropriate". My nickname when I worked in Congress was "surly", and I was banned from the phones. Probably the only staffer allowed to skip that part. Truth is though that I'm very kind and thoughtful - in fact, a friend, rightly, criticized me this fall as being "too nice". And yes, that is a criticism. But I do get impatient and short with people. Partly it's a "Novak trait", but nothing excuses it. I prefer company, but definitely need solo time to recharge. I've always joked that the only use I would have for a large home is to be able to know someone was there, while still being able to be on my own. Silence used to make me nervous, and can still sometimes when I'm in a new situation. I tend to be too snarky and sarcastic, as well as loud and obnoxious, especially when drinking. I love books and writing, but have struggled to do both in the last few years - hence my present "sabbatical", where I am succeeding more with the writing than the reading. I am a homebody who loves to go out. I have always had a secret desire to rent an RV and spend time traveling around the US. Spain and Portugal are on my bucket list. Love Italy and London, not a fan of Paris. Would love to see Eastern Europe (have only spent 72 hours in Prague) and Scandinavia, yet don't really have a huge travel bug. Love animals and still deeply regret having given up my cats because of my ex; got my dog to help me thru my separation and divorce. Get bored easily and yet love routine. Used to wish for happiness, and now wish for "peace". Still wish for true love though. Musical tastes are varied but actually not that into music, so more often than not will just find the best top 40 station [and yes, I can hear the horror in many people's minds right now] and turn that on, as I usually only listen in the car, and I like "hyper" music while driving. Once hoped to be a songwriter (and still someplace have tapes of me singing my lyrics), but of course also once wanted to be a bus driver as I planned to have 19 kids (I'm nothing but practical) - and you can see how both turned out [they didn't]. And yes, there is regret on both. On that note, I'm probably far too practical, far too "in my head" and not enough "in my mind", and have been working for years on my control issues. I'm very competitive. I love to cook, but only for others. I will not live without a housecleaner, and will cut TV and phone before I cut that (and have done so in the past). Happily lived without TV until NFL season started and I discovered I couldn't access games online. Love sports (I am my father's daughter), some live, some TV, some both. I'm an introverted extrovert. Or an extroverted introvert. Depending on the day. I love the theater, especially musicals. Any and all (even watched the cheesy movie Pitch Perfect the other night and loved it). My favorite movie is "Sliding Doors" for the concept behind it (I've written several times on this concept on my blog, such as this one). I can be frustrating, but am fiercely loyal. I have ridiculously high standards for myself, which I try not to apply to others. It both devastates me and entertains me when I fail my own standards. After all, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? My favorite saying is: "Prepare every day as if you are going to live forever, but live every day as if you are going to die tomorrow." I originally thought that meant getting out there and seizing the moment constantly. I then realized it must be defined for each person individually, and each day individually. (Hmmm. Sounds like another blog post!) Monty Python; as that's self explanatory. I spend way too much time on my computer, and especially on Facebook, but have been rewarded 10 times over for that in reconnecting with old friends. Kindness is a given, intelligence and humor is key. Wallace and Gromit. Still hoping to write the Great American Novel, but a little concerned I may have to go on a bender to do it: I seem to do my best novel-writing while drinking. In fact, my "simpatico" friend, who is 13 years sober, has dared me to do just that. But first I need to do a better job of prioritizing the writing.... Obviously.


*******

* To understand my statement about Meredith Brooks' hit, you must read / know the lyrics:

"Bitch"
By Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way



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